Faith No More…?

I recently read “God is Not Great” by Christopher Hitchens.  I have wondered for years why Catholics and people of all faiths hated him so much:  apart from saying religion was a fallacy and the cause of major conflicts, what was he saying that got everyone tied up in knots?

I dithered for many years about purchasing his books, then a friend bought the aforementioned book for me a few weeks ago because during the course of our conversations we agreed that I may in fact be ready to see the alternate view.  I have had my doubts about Catholicism for years and yet almost all of my adult life, I have been fully on board with the faith given me as a baby, attending Mass and not just on Sundays, saying prayers in the morning and evening, having my son baptised and so on.  But there was always a pressure behind much of what I did, especially going to Mass and receiving the sacraments.

I read the book very quickly and wondered why Hitchens was (and is still) so reviled, when he made sense?  Everything that had rubbed me up the wrong way, about faith in general  not just Catholicism, was there. It was eloquently set down and pulled apart and I read much made my blood boil, some of which I had been completely unaware.

If you allow your scientific mind to assert itself, something I had held in check because of my beliefs, it is possible to accept the sound arguments that Hitchens makes against the existence of a deity/deities and for the main argument he makes of religion as a man-made form of control.  Never mind the whole religions start wars business.  My particular curiosity was to do with the idea of the existence of a being so powerful and who is in charge of a world that is more miserable than ever.  From where comes our help and why has it not come?  The world is not without beauty – I am not beaten down by all the wrongs I see and hear about.  Indeed, there are many great and small acts of kindness and generosity that make a huge difference.  The thing is we hear less about these instances and the focus is on the negative, obsessively so I would say.  There is too much navel gazing and not enough of looking up and appreciating what is in front of you and ahead.  Bloggers blog as it were, to make sense (or nonsense!) of the world around them and the world they immediately inhabit; it doesn’t really matter if nobody reads/comments upon the blogs – it is cathartic to commit thoughts or ideals on paper or online.  We do so and move on to the next…  It’s a space to be yourself and maybe for some, to say those things that you might struggle to articulate in company.  But I digress…

My friend asked me if my “faith had been shaken?”.  I said no.  What I read had “simply galvanized what I was already feeling” about my beliefs.

The supreme arrogance that the Catholic faith is “the one true faith” is staggering and a slap in the face of all other belief systems – that bothered me and still does because it is confrontational and controversial.  I am questioning miracles, the incorruptible bodies of saints, visions, ecstasies, levitations, exorcisms…  Read the book if you are open to having your beliefs questioned.  If you still believe after reading it there is no shame in that and I am not looking to destroy anyone’s faith.  Religion can be a force for good and can turn people around where all else has failed.  I’ve seen it and even experienced it myself.  In fact, having faith made me stronger – but it also held me down.  That is my personal experience and that of so many.  But if like me, you question key areas of your faith (whatever that faith may be) you are probably ready to read this book with an open mind and see where it leads you.

So am I no longer a believer?

My son says I’m now agnostic (and he is quite horrified).  I don’t like labels and the following definition does not in fact apply to me:

“An agnostic is one who believes it impossible to know anything about God or about the creation of the universe and refrains from commitment to any religious doctrine. An atheist is one who denies the existence of a deity or of divine beings.”

It doesn’t apply to me because I don’t accept that it is “impossible to know anything about…the creation of the universe…”.  We know a great deal about the creation of the universe – and it was not created in seven days by a supreme being…  What I can say I believe is that there are forces at work beyond our imagining and the fact that people exist is a miracle when you consider how we evolved, hauling ourselves out of a swamp, on fins that eventually became limbs and so forth.  We are still learning about anatomy, the science of the brain, chemical reactions within our bodies and the extent to which we can push our bodies and minds.  We all know that there are things we do now that would have been thought impossible centuries ago, even 50 years ago.  We have science to thank – and sheer determination. In the course of evolution, mammals have proved to be a force to be reckoned with.

Something is at work shaping our world and the universe.  I feel it is grounded in science and not the divine, and it is no less incredible for that.

Furthermore, is it a stretch to think that maybe there are other complex lifeforms in the universe or that there may have been?  I don’t think so when you consider how vast the universe is – and we cannot know everything, even with all we have at our disposal dedicated to trying to do just that.

Sometimes though, not knowing is a good thing – it allows space for hope (but not ignorance).  My closest friend is an atheist and I have to say that just a few chapters in to “God is Not Great”, I understood what it is like to be him and it hit me with some force.  The tremendous burden of feeling that it’s all on you, all on us, that he lives with.  It doesn’t weigh heavily upon him every day but the reality for an atheist is that there is no help coming from above nor any reward when our time here is done.  By the end of the book I felt quite at a loss and more than unhappy about how much of my life I had given over to faith and how much control it has had over me.  I was stuck in a terrible situation for so long because of my beliefs and I felt such guilt and anguish at going against those beliefs.

What has it all been for, I asked myself?

I’m not ashamed to say that I wept a little.  I was frustrated and it was not unlike grief.  I am in the process of letting go and still catch myself praying for people who are suffering – the terrorist attacks the world over, people close to me struggling to cope with loss, a severe illness, abuse and so on.  What I can do is keep trying to be the best version of myself that I can be and not allow the daily grind to beat me down and continue to not be afraid to live when lights start going out around us.  I’ve seen hysterical posts on Facebook and the like, from people who are scared to go out or go about their business, over emotional posts claiming solidarity with one race or group or faith.  Worse, I’ve seen ignorant posts about standing up for your own (class/country/faith) and sod everyone else.

Negative change comes from without and I mean that in both senses of the word.  Positive change comes from within.  We start with ourselves and project what is right and good in the hope that it will encourage others to behave decently and even to respect themselves.  I am not an idealist with my head in the clouds and know full well that this doesn’t always work.  Let’s face it: if the world was perfect – if people were perfect – we could indeed claim a deity was behind it…

No amount of radiant, loving or compassionate positivity projected towards an extremely negative person will make them change.  A deeply ingrained belief or the power of a destructive incident/s is not something one moves on from easily – it takes years of questioning yourself, the circumstances and allowing yourself to be questioned – one has to become more open and less conditioned.  Healing, moving on, is necessarily a long process  – or what went before actually meant nothing.  Faith meant/means something to me but not the man-made tenets of it, the control, the unwillingness to adapt to the world we now live in.  By way of example, the inability of the Catholic Church to come to a unanimous agreement that it is not right to bar a remarried Catholic from receiving communion, knowing full well the gradual destruction to the soul that this entails if you so believe it. And if you do believe it, the thought is devastating and more often than not, people in these circumstances leave the Church altogether.  St Paul’s writings on divorce, etc have a lot to answer for.  If God speaks to all of the clergy, why are they so divided on this and other points of Canon Law?  Also, why is it right to ex-communicate a pop star for hanging herself on a cross, when abusive clergy are “moved on” as opposed to being automatically ex-communicated for their sins, whether it’s a misappropriation of finances or much, much worse?  I could go on and on and on…

I know this much: I am not an agnostic.  Maybe I am somewhere between an atheist and an agnostic, if such a space can exist, and I don’t feel as wretched about it as I did a week ago – but then being a mammal, I am highly adaptable…

I don’t have the answers but what I can say is this:

I am a work in progress.

And I’m ok with that.

 

 

 

Do you gotta have faith?

I’m not so sure these past few years if faith is a crutch or a control for me.  Neither is good.

As a crutch, you rely upon a set of beliefs to prop you up and don’t necessarily dig around inside yourself as much for the answers – you believe that your God will light the way and accept that what comes is the will of your God.

As a means of control, faith can be devastating; I have lived through the effect my belief system has had upon me and those closest to me.  In short, adhering to the tenets of my faith cost me decades of my life throughout which I learnt a great deal about myself and others, but by turns I lost so much and caused pain to others through bitterness at feeling betrayed (by people and my God) and trapped (by the same).

Not good is it?

We all know about the wars started in the name of a God we cannot see but believe in:  The Crusades to name one very bloody and shameful part of Christian history.  We lament the so called death of Christianity and the rise of the secular age but it comes and goes in cycles and sometimes the Christians are on the wrong side or hold an ugly viewpoint.  How dare one belief system set itself up as THE belief system and systematically set about crushing and destroying any who dare question it by eradicating one belief and culture for another.  The Spanish Conquistadors decimated the people of the Americas, promoting a Christian God on one hand, whilst plundering gold and precious resources with the other.

The God I believe in would not advocate anything like this.  Too many men down the centuries have hijacked religion for their own ends, starting wars, wiping out cultures and peoples, masquerading as men of God when they were anything but.  Tony Blair anyone?  He claims God whispered in his ear to go to war against Iraq.

Oh really?

What bull!  I’m a cradle Catholic so I had no choice in my religion but as an adult I can choose to follow it blindly, pick and choose the bits I like or abandon it altogether.  What I am choosing to do is believe that God does exist but not accept everything that is spouted from the pulpit, however sincere.  The four main Gospels were chosen to fit a particular time – the rest simply did not fit the narrative that those in control sought to enforce upon the majority.  Men decided what stayed in and what got cut if you like.  Learned men (and women) from those times and up to the present day, make up the rules as they go along based upon their interpretations of The Bible.  This is why year on year, from one priest or vicar to another, the same reading, the same Gospel passage will be read and understood in myriad ways depending upon what the individual reads into it and then expounds to the masses.  It can further be said that the interpretation changes with the mood of the times – and this is when faith takes a back seat and control steps forward.

You see, too many people really do blindly follow what they are told about passages from The Bible.  If the priest or vicar tells you black is white, such people accept it because he’s a man of the cloth and his guidance comes direct from the big man upstairs.  But I know a priest who agrees with me that one size doesn’t fit all and therefore, The Bible passages, with their wisdom, foreboding, poetry and control simply cannot apply to everyone because we are all so different.  The life we live is not cut and dried and our world is full of complications caused by emotion – the two strongest human impulses are anger and love. Both can be used to devastating effect.  Fear plays it part and fear of the next life is not something a Christian sniffs at and blithely ignores if his faith is strong.  Being afraid to live a certain way or make certain choices for fear they may compromise our path to heaven is incredibly delimiting.  It is a cause of much sorrow.  It kept me “in my place” for too long.

If God created us all, then he created homosexuals too.  It is not right to say that love between same sex couples is abherrant and that they simply need coaxing onto a “straight” path.  They can no more be straight than a heterosexual can be made homosexual.  It is what it is – not cut and dried.  We do not choose to be one way or the other or a bit of both – it chooses us.

Rules are constructive, yes, but in this context and in the context of divorced remarried Catholics, the rules are brutal and leave no room for negotiation.  The Synod on the Family has all but shut down any hope of remarried divorced Catholics from being able to receive communion.  To be barred from the sacraments is not, I believe, something God would intend for someone like me were I to marry again.  To bar me from the sacraments would be wholly unfair:  I did not have an affair, my husband did; I got divorced (after holding on for decades because of my beliefs) because the situation was increasingly toxic for my son and I.  To fall in love and want to marry again or simply live with the one you love is surely not a bad thing?

Should anyone be damned for love when it is good, strong and true?

Surely God would be happy if this happened?  If God is directing our lives, how could it be wrong?  But then that same God was behind the scenes when my life fell apart.  He was behind the scenes of all of our worst moments.

Do we gotta have faith?  I think what we need is a good heart, beliefs that don’t hurt or control anyone and a willingness to question everything without giving rise to rancour.  Beliefs should be questioned and not accepted without self examination or examination of the one who is doling it out to us.  Priests, vicars, nuns and all pillars of all faiths are people first and they are not above corruption, as history and modern times have shown us.

Keep the faith?  Yes, maybe for me, but my mind is more open.  The personal experiences of recent years and so much that I’ve seen and read have taught me much.  I still have a great deal more to learn.

 

Suicide Season

My kind of person – Chris, you are awesome.

The Renegade Press

‘Ignoring your passion is slow suicide. Never ignore what your heart pumps for.’

• Kevin Claiborne

Let’s play a game of Russian Roulette.

You and I are seated at a table in a smoke filled room; there’s an old six shooter positioned perfectly between us with a single round floating in one of its chambers. The heavy aromas of mildew and fear cling to your skin causing you to perspire. We’re alone. There’s no one here to save us; the only entrance to the cell is destined to remain locked until only one of us remains. You’re scared. So am I. Our lives have been reduced to this moment where we’ll play a game of chance to see who survives. Nothing else matters right now. It’s just you and I.

There’s a coin beside the gun. We’ll flip to see who shoots first. I pick it up and use my thumb…

View original post 768 more words

The Power of Pessimism

Love the humour in this.

tonysbologna : Honest. Satirical. Observations

There is a big, happy, smiling, cloud shading our world from the UV light and it’s called positive thinking. It very well might be the same cloud from the Mario video game franchise, but I’m not sure, I’m not a scientist. Positive thinking or optimism is as American as apple pie, and Oprah Winfrey is serving us the slice with her gentle, warm, you-can-do-it-too Oprah smile. Go ahead, take the slice and grab the chair over there next to Tony Robbins. I know you want to, I want to. Positive thinking works well because we the people enjoy the idea of feeling good and believing life gets better everyday. It’s a great legal drug that’s being pushed on us and we all take the drug eyes-wide-open, hearts on our sleeve, smiling as we inject the sweet medicine into our veins.

Self help books and pop culture have made a…

View original post 1,278 more words

On failure

Learning from failure is what makes a person wise; failing to learn from a difficult situation is what keeps us tied to the past and holds us back – we do so by our own hand. Nobody can make you feel or be this or that unless you permit them to do so. There is beauty in failure when it teaches you something about yourself that allows you to grow and move on.

No, it’s not easy and some situations can be too much to handle and there lies total loss – the loss of self. People drown under the weight of it and under the expectation, of people who should know and understand them better, that they should not be labouring under whatever it is that’s dragging them down. People die emotionally and then physically. It’s a tragedy played out every day and everywhere…

But there is hope. We can find it within ourselves, when we have support or even when we read something that makes us see we are not alone with these feelings, that we can push through and stand tall again. In the depths we don’t believe it but it can and does happen.

People will always fail, will always trip up and stumble. The point is to know you can and will get back up and be a stronger, wiser, healthier person for learning to accept that failure does not mean that you’re backed into a corner with no way out.

Declaration of intent

Why do we feel the need to wear apparel that makes a declarative statement?  On my way home, a woman walked past me wearing a t-shirt and the word emblazoned across her chest was “WINNER”.  Now I looked at her and wondered why she wanted to wear such a t-shirt, why in the deeper sense of the word and maybe even deeper than her subconscious was even aware of.

I mean, she likely bought it just because she wants you to see her as a winner.  But what if it was bought for her?  What if it was a gift to make her feel better about herself?

Am I the only one who takes a thought this far?!  Crikey…

Anyway, this is my domain and I can say what I want in relative safety…

My thoughts are these.  When we buy these tops, hats, badges and bags we are of course making a statement but why do we feel the need to?  Is it because we’re passive aggressive?  Is it because we want the people who are closest to us to understand something we think they missed?  Is it “hey look at me”?  Is it that we need to say something and choose a bag or a top to do it when words fail us?  Are we just showing off?

Is it all of the above?

I have such items just like pretty much everyone.  I wear them proudly and to amuse myself, not other people.  I have a top with Mr T on it that says “Shut Up Fool!” and I wore it during the 3rd round of redundancy talks.  I have a badge which declares that I like poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick, I have another top that says Try to Keep Up and one which pokes fun at people who think pepper spray and bells will deter grizzlies.  One of my faves simply has an owl on it and the words “Couldn’t Give a Hoot”.  I wore it when security at airports had gone bananas in the wake of 9/11 and queues were practically snaking out of the airport.  I was going on holiday so no need to get bent out of shape when the authorities were trying to do the right thing, however overboard they went about it.  It was tedious but my declaration of intent was appreciated by passport control, security and passengers alike!  It lightened the mood.

So back to the “Winner”…  She did look like someone who really wanted (needed?)to live up to the statement on her chest. And in that brief moment, I felt sorry for her.

Would you think me aggressive for my Mr T top?  Am I funny because of the top about grizzly bear crap that smells like pepper spray and has bells in it?  Does Try to Keep Up mean I think I’m superior in some way…?  I just have a sense of humour – that’s it and that’s all.  No deep and meaningful discoveries here, at least I don’t think so.  But….

When someone who looks downtrodden and probably is downtrodden wears a top that says “Winner”, it means something. If they aren’t downtrodden and look far from it, it could be deemed arrogance.  Sometimes the message is a challenge or begs a comment:  I hate God, Insert Here, Bite Me, I Believe in the Right to Bear Arms or Free Palestine.  Either way, the wearer has something to say – but mostly it’s to a bunch of strangers.

Do we wear these things because we want other people to “get” a small part of who we are? Do we subconsciously hope to cross paths with similar souls and start a conversation?  If you’re wearing a Bite Me or Insert Here t-shirt in a club or bar however, you know what you’re gonna get and conversation isn’t it!!

But seriously, we’re communicating non-verbally but very obviously and sometimes I wonder why.  If this was Victorian, even Edwardian England, such a practice would be frowned upon – to wear one’s heart upon one’s sleeve, oh no!

Perhaps we do it to liberate our psyche, inflict our selves upon the world, with no need at all for acceptance and caring less about your judgement.

I dunno.  I’m just thinking out loud.

 

 

Writing in the wind to and about the object of my affection…

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”
― John Lennon

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
― Bob Marley

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.”
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either –  and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break—her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”
― Bob Marley

“You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.”
― Jodi Picoult

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP

“The only thing worse than a (man) who hates you: a (man) that loves you.”
― Markus Zusak, The Book Thief

“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.”
― Plato

“Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.”
―William Shakespeare, Hamlet

The Art of War

I began writing this blog last night after watching Game of Thrones.  It was so late that I decided to finish it during my break today.

The Art of War by Sun Tzu is a fascinating piece of work.  I don’t own it yet, but I return to it time and again in book shops.  Sun Tzu was a Chinese military general and philosopher who lived in ancient China around 544 BCE.  His writings continue to exert influence over culture, politics, business, sports and warfare.  So much of it makes absolute sense and can easily be applied to daily life.  Here’s a taste:

• The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.
• Build your opponent a golden bridge to retreat across.
• Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
• Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.
• Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak.
• There is no instance of a nation benefitting from prolonged warfare.

I can see how fanatical workplace training types get all hopped up about him but the truth is, we rarely think tactically.  We think we do but most often, we really don’t.  Being tactical usually takes a back seat to impulse and/or high emotion.  How many times have you thought of the perfect retort 10 minutes after the fight?  How many times have you acted from within the arc of passion instead of logic and reason?  Did you regret your actions from within either of those spheres?  Think about it.  Acting logically and reasonably can damage a person or situation too.  One person’s rationality can be seen as insanity by another – self-sacrifice for the greater good for example.  It’s all about goal posts and comfort zones but goal posts can move and comfort zones can be disturbed.

Game of Thrones is something I’ve only gotten into recently.  It’s violent, bloody, passionate, incredible story-telling.  It is sometimes not to my taste and I don’t always tune in but the dark and twisted schemes driving every scene keep me coming back.  Sun Tzu would likely have enjoyed it but would perhaps prefer less emotion.  Too much leads to loss in battle.

• Engage people with what they expect; it is what they are able to discern and confirms their projections. It settles them into predictable patterns of response, occupying their minds while you wait for the extraordinary moment — that which they cannot anticipate.

I’d call this the “Coiled Spring” or “Dark Horse” approach.  It renders the enemy utterly defenceless because they don’t see you coming.

Such strategies can be applied at work but are not what they teach you on team away days – unless you’re planning a take-over I guess!   What employers go for are team-building exercises which are really just opportunities for the board to ascertain who toes the line, filter out those who could be made to and finally, who won’t.  I went on one of these with my best mate.  We tried every trick in the book not to participate, but in the end we had to go.  We said no to most work “socials” where the not so subtly implied threat was do it or you’re not going to be seen as a team player, but this was not a social event – this was “team-building”….

We’ve been friends for over 16 years and he’s essentially my “brother from another mother”.  We pretty much have the same world view and don’t suffer fools gladly.  It gets (and got) us into trouble over the years.  We’re a formidable, dynamic pairing and we have an absolute blast every time we’re together.  We love each other, bring out the best in each other and have never fallen out.  It’s pretty special.  On that team-building day, we did not toe the line…

It was obvious from the get-go that the intention was not to consolidate the group we were unfortunate enough to be a part of. The intention was to break my buddy and I apart for the day.  We were (and are) a tight little unit; we did not like the rest of the “team” who were shallow, self-obsessed, back stabbing cretins and we had told our direct line manager this during a series of fall-outs that led to this crappy day out.  I recall the head of our large, dysfunctional team being quite clear about separating us when it came to getting into groups for the days’ lame activities…

I remember running around with someone I didn’t care much for and coming to the realisation that I was not as competitive as I thought, as we hunted down clues in a bid to be first back to base.  Maybe I didn’t “go for it” because I didn’t care about her?  If my buddy had been my partner, we’d have smashed it!  I found it amusing how frustrated she got at not being first back to base but second of five.  It was ridiculous, just a game.  She cared more than she thought she would and was livid.

I recall sitting in a room as we took turns telling the “team” something they didn’t know about us, using an object as a prop – so a microphone for example if you secretly liked karaoke. Now you have to understand that the majority of that team already socialised most evenings, had been to each others’ houses and therefore knew one another very well; what they each stood up and talked about was mostly news to my mate and I, but not to the majority.  My best mate and I knew everything about each other and they knew nothing about us.  Our director just wanted to get inside our heads that day in order to figure out what made us tick, both alone and as a unit.

My mate brought a “Mr T” collectible which used to contain bubble bath. He called me the night before in fits of laughter because he was struggling to find something that represented who he was and it was all he could find.  He has “The A-Team” ring tone on his phone…  I thought it was perfectly irreverant and he brought it along.  Our manager was boring and brought a hat, saying he had a thing about hats…  I defied convention and brought 2 items: a little bat (a pen topper from a cereal packet I think) and a crucifix.  I briefly described, with no small amount of relish,  my deep Roman Catholic faith coupled with an equally deep fascination for vampire lore, ghosts, witchcraft, the history of exorcism and the occult in general… You could hear a pin drop. My best mate could not stop smirking behind the hand over his mouth.

The look on their faces – priceless!  Which brings me back to:

• Engage people with what they expect; it is what they are able to discern and confirms their projections. It settles them into predictable patterns of response, occupying their minds while you wait for the extraordinary moment — that which they cannot anticipate.
• The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.

We broke for a long lunch and we were instructed not to stick to who we knew, but to mingle with people we wouldn’t normally hang around with.  That worked for about 5 minutes before we gravitated back to our “people” as it were; we were all meant to stay up by the restaurant and not go off by ourselves.  Sod that.

My buddy and I wandered the lovely grounds, headed in to the woodland and had a grand old time!  Our boss told us that our actions had been frowned upon and admired in almost equal measure; the head of the team realised we could not be cowed; the suck-ups were jealous and snotty because we did what we wanted and what they hadn’t had the guts to do themselves.  Staying together to make polite, forced conversation wasn’t an order, it was a suggestion.

Had it been an order, we wouldn’t have followed it anyway.

• If words of command are not clear and distinct, if orders are not thoroughly understood, then the general is to blame. But, if orders are clear and the soldiers nevertheless disobey, then it is the fault of their officers.

My buddy and I often reflect upon that moment in time and what came after – a mass culling of the team, which included the team director (so cock-sure and arrogant that he never saw it coming) and which in that instance we survived. I was made redundant about 18 months later along with about 50 others, all long-standing and long-suffering, the reasons for which were utter bull but we were glad to go with a nice pay-off. My mate finally got out a couple of years later.  Shortly before that redundancy, both he and I and many of the 50 had been taken to lunch at a posh restaurant in the Strand by way of thanks for over 10 years service to the company.  We got framed Snappy Snaps certificates and everything.  We threw ours away because we knew they meant nothing and we knew another cull was coming.  We rebelled again that day.  We sloped off to the Embankment and wandered around by Old Father Thames.  I showed my mate some places he’d never really seen before.  That was naughty of us, apparently…  Another time we went to an expo at Earls Court (that bored us in well under an hour) so I took him to the Natural History Museum instead of going back to work.  It was his first time there and we had a great time!  He was like a kid and I thoroughly enjoyed showing him around.  We ended the day with a late lunch in a fantastic Italian restaurant that I have been back to a few times since.  I always grin when I think about that day.  I also realise as I write this that I almost always take the lead in our shenanigans!!

Did we win battles and lose a war?  I don’t think so.  We stayed true to ourselves and being true to yourself is not always easy is it?  Did the director of our team leave us alone? Yes, after that day he did. Now being true to yourself can get you into hot water but when you have a partner who’s got your back, it’s liberating.

• If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles.

On Reason and Passion

On Reason and Passion
 Kahlil Gibran

Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against your passion and your appetite.
Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul, that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody.
But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers, nay, the lovers of all your elements?

Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.
For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.
Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing;
And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.

I would have you consider your judgment and your appetite even as you would two loved guests in your house.
Surely you would not honour one guest above the other; for he who is more mindful of one loses the love and the faith of both.

Among the hills, when you sit in the cool shade of the white poplars, sharing the peace and serenity of distant fields and meadows — then let your heart say in silence, “God rests in reason.”
And when the storm comes, and the mighty wind shakes the forest, and thunder and lightning proclaim the majesty of the sky — then let your heart say in awe, “God moves in passion.”
And since you are a breath in God’s sphere, and a leaf in God’s forest, you too should rest in reason and move in passion.