I’ve been quiet for a while and not because I had nothing to say but because there was so much to say that I didn’t know where to begin. Conversely, there was so much to say that I could not be asked to blog it, the whole matter being so boring in that I’ve pretty much been here before so I will not go into great detail. But this time was worse…the person who got badly hurt was my son.
I was left shocked. It effected a change in us both from which it seems there is no coming back for any involved in the whole sorry affair. So…
I poured myself into the pages of a diary, one of many that I own.
I talked to friends.
I took long walks.
I kept myself busy.
I sat and quietly reflected.
You know, the kinda things we used to do before we blogged about the minutiae of our lives!
I’ve been adding another layer to my shell. I’m tougher but not watertight – never will be, wouldn’t want to be. I feel my way through life; it’s who I am and who I always will be. And sometimes I get it wrong. I never want to shut down and shut out the world so completely that I end up being unaffected by something awful. It happened to me once and it scared me.
Being numb is an odd “feeling” – you’ll understand if you’ve been there. I didn’t like that version of me. I had no more to give, I was running on empty and life held little meaning. It felt like my heart was blocked. When you get like that, you feel nothing at all. And for a sensitive, feeling person, that’s nothing short of horrible…
I don’t think that being numb would have been useful as a coping mechanism for the drama that was the run-up to Christmas. Not giving a damn about anyone but my son and (relatively) calmly vocalising that was necessary and useful: my Mum got told, in a way she hadn’t been told before that her part in this mess, going back many years, was appalling. Whatever upset she felt about a family torn apart was not my problem to resolve and she just had to accept it; my son was my priority – not making her feel better because her “life is shit”! And, in fact, it was my son’s life that had been shit, having borne the brunt of this awful situation alongside me. She needed to stop pussy-footing around my “sister” and pull her into line – she’s the parent and she needed to do some parenting!! Of course, she didn’t and I don’t know what that’s about… I told her she could not rely on me any more to be the “good daughter”, who bends for everyone else’s benefit, getting shafted time and again. I had made clear months ago that enough was enough and that those days were long over. But here they all were again, dragging us down to their (cess)pit just when my son and I had been feeling good about ourselves and about life in general.
Mum uses emotional blackmail; my “sister” and my ex are bullies who have no interest in building bridges. What they want is control – of me and of the way I live. Why? Heaven knows. I gave up trying to figure out those idiots a long time ago. The effect they have on my son is a major concern though. They pretty much ruined Christmas for him, so I did everything I could to make it one to remember for good reasons. I hope I succeeded – it was certainly different and we did many memorable things.
Being me, I do care about them. Hard to believe isn’t it, considering what they’ve done and how they continue to behave? What I don’t care about is what they think about how I do things or how I choose to live my life – I do not need their approval, I do not need their love or attention: in short, I do not need them. That said, the ties that bind run deep, especially when it is my “sister” and the father of my child that we’re talking about. I will always care. I cannot say at all that the feeling is reciprocated, but no matter!
My concern now is the total breakdown of the relationship between father and son. I can’t force it – tried and it didn’t work. I was told to back-off by both of them – I did in the main but now it’s worse than ever just when it was improving. My ex shed copious tears about the latest breakdown in their relationship, but is now as cold as stone. He hasn’t tried to see our son since Christmas. Disgusting really but then again, what is our son losing exactly? Not much if this is how his Dad chooses to be. He’s never had a positive male role model and that bothers me. He’s a fine young man, loving and considerate, bright, funny, independent, honest, open and confident (though he doesn’t think he is) but all this drama has definitely hardened him even more against his Dad. I’m not happy about that, because of the damage it does to him.
Still, if being that way means he avoids repeating our mistakes, more power to him I guess…
No matter what distance I put between “us and them”, their reach is far and it had me feeling trapped again. I had these wild notions of packing up and leaving the UK to live with my cousin and her family as soon as my son went off to Uni, in order to put as much distance between myself and them as I possibly could. My son was alarmed and said he is still dependent upon me until he finishes his degree – and that where I go, he goes! I said he needed to branch out and so did I and, who knew what would happen at or after Uni? He may meet the love of his life or get a great job in another part of the country. Anything can happen… Of course I know he’ll need me around for a while longer but, in that moment, I felt like a caged bird under cover of darkness.
All I wanted to do was run, as far and as fast as possible.
So, my plan now is to become less financially dependent upon my ex and I am applying for a second job which, if I get it, will make a substantial difference to our quality of life. My son turns 18 this year and if my ex refuses to stump up towards the costs of his party, I would like to think that by then I’d have this job and so, could manage to pay for it without being broke for months afterwards. I put him on notice about helping pay for it – he, typically, did not respond. That means he won’t stump up. And you can take that to the bank if you pardon the pun!
Plans to leave these shores are not quite a pipe dream and are a definite possibility – something to keep in my back pocket if life here doesn’t work out the way I’d like it to, but there has been a sea-change in me these past 2 months. I am not exactly in battle mode but I refuse to pander to my “sister’s” histrionics (including bombarding my son with a string of texts after rowing with him and being told, by him, to leave him to study!). If my ex doesn’t hold up his end, I take the issue to him and leave it there. He still has stuff at my place, so I have been getting it down to him, throwing things out and commandeering what’s useful. He has had no say in the matter – been there, done that. The last time around, it was 18 months before he acted: his crap was everywhere, I was coming out of hospital and with it all being a trip hazard it had to be sorted. When he didn’t show up recently as promised to take more stuff, I didn’t chase him up. Those days are over. I’ve boxed it all up and it will all be heading his way very soon, unbeknown to him. It took up every weekend and most of my week nights for the past 6 weeks but it has been satisfying and liberating to do so.
I could cause a great deal of trouble for them and they are worried that I will. You could say I’m in control but I have no desire for that. I made enquiries connected to something that could affect my son; my ex saw it as a threat. Now, what I might have to do hangs over them. That’s their problem. My son comes first. I’ve been getting on with my life, immensely relieved to be free of them and their strange outlook. Above all I just want what’s best for my son.
We’re getting there…
So life gave me, indeed us, lemons (again). I made lemonade (again) – no “woe is me” here! I am open to change and much less afraid to take the bull by the horns. What I have to avoid are rash decisions when I feel hemmed in and there, my son is a great leveller. I raised a smart kid.
I have options. That feels good.
Drops of Sanity 